Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
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with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
How about daylight saves us for once
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof