@tracietom

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

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@68Cly29

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

@PatsATweetin

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

@wilw

Dog: I like pizza. Me: You’ve never had pizza. Dog: It’s food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I’m not giving you my pizza.

@GrantTanaka

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

@jellybnbonanza

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

@IvoryGazelle

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

@markedly

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy