I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
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me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Dog: I like pizza. Me: You’ve never had pizza. Dog: It’s food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I’m not giving you my pizza.
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
ME: I have no gifts to bring
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum