Dogs: OMG YOU’RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!!
Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty…fill it..I’ll be on the couch.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
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For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Restaurant Hostess: “Sorry about the wait.”
Me: “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for being overweight.”
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.