@tracietom

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

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@fizzlestothetop

Dogs: OMG YOU’RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!!
Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty…fill it..I’ll be on the couch.

@vladchoc

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

@proEXgirlfriend

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

@ronnui_

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

@BillMc7

Restaurant Hostess: “Sorry about the wait.”
Me: “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize for being overweight.”

@murrman5

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

@batkaren

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

@iinkedZombie

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

@GuyThe_Guy

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.