I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
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The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You’d be surprised how many M&M’s someone can swallow in their sleep.
*Looks up from pestle and mortar “Phew! Powdering this baby is hard!”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Missing a period is probably a Grammar Nazi’s worst nightmare.
I don’t know what the big deal is.
Putting my toddler to bed is easy…
In fact, just tonight, I did it 25 times.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
I think not Xx
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.