HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
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STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.