HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

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I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.


The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You’d be surprised how many M&M’s someone can swallow in their sleep.


*Looks up from pestle and mortar “Phew! Powdering this baby is hard!”


She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.


*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!


Missing a period is probably a Grammar Nazi’s worst nightmare.


I don’t know what the big deal is.

Putting my toddler to bed is easy…

In fact, just tonight, I did it 25 times.


There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
I think not Xx


When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.


I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.