husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

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captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol



Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.


I don’t like the word ‘scampi’. It sounds like seafood that’s trying to run away.


genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade


*Playing catch*
*dad throws ball over fence*
“I’ll get it son!”
*25 years later*
“Wow he must’ve thrown it far”


[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]


My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.


I’m at my most British when the Benny Hill theme song plays while I’m half naked & being chased by my TC’s wife who found me in his closet.


*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.