husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
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My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
*jingles half the way*
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets