@LizerReal

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

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@MarfSalvador

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

@aPunch2theJunk

HAVE SOME FUN WITH YOUR LIFE:

Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.

@tweetsvisual

I don’t like the word ‘scampi’. It sounds like seafood that’s trying to run away.

@bobvulfov

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

@yungsweater

*Playing catch*
*dad throws ball over fence*
“I’ll get it son!”
*25 years later*
“Wow he must’ve thrown it far”

@murrman5

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

@TheBoydP

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

@hpb777

I’m at my most British when the Benny Hill theme song plays while I’m half naked & being chased by my TC’s wife who found me in his closet.

@Roweboat13G

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.