[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Go girl power!
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
My time has come.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he