Husband’s Last Words

I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!

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On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean


Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.


[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”


I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.


I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.


Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.


<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.