@Kids_kubed

Husband’s Last Words

I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!

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@patrickmarkryan

On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean

@gobmentcheese

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

@Tommytoughstuff

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

@VerbsRProudest

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

@girl_a_whirl

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

@piranhapanorama

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

@osigat

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.