I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
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My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
so i’m at the stock market right
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car