Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
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HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
I want to meet the individual who made this
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party