Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn’t have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.

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My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!


Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.


If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.


Be myself?
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?


“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance


[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.


Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?


Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?