@Shock_Monster

Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn’t have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.

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@TheBoydP

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

@citizenkawala

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

@Marcmywords2

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

@PeachyPixel8

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

@WiseguyPictures

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

@mdob11

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

@nyquills

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?