Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn’t have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.
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My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza.
We laughed and laughed.
Then I fired him.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.
She just gave you her stomach virus.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
My toddler is learning to speak so I’m trying to teach him some phrases for social success.
Things like “true dat” and “pass the gravy.”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
9yo: *struggling for 10 mins trying to start peeling a banana* How do you get into these!?
Yo, evolution: You missed one..
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?