My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn’t have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.
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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor