I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
H:”Where’d you get those shoes?”
Me:”I’ve had these for years. Is that a new grill I saw?”
H:”Nope just cleaned the old one”
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?
*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Single men not in love with me.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.