@AtypicalMama

H:”Where’d you get those shoes?”
Me:”I’ve had these for years. Is that a new grill I saw?”
H:”Nope just cleaned the old one”

*Marriage lies

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@skittle624

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

@TheRolo

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

@MelanieMeljo

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

@ChipKellysBalls

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

@iGreenMonk

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

@squirrel74wkgn

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

@bourgeoisalien

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?