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My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I’m Sold!
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.