@AtypicalMama

H:”Where’d you get those shoes?”
Me:”I’ve had these for years. Is that a new grill I saw?”
H:”Nope just cleaned the old one”

*Marriage lies

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@gabbazaba

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

@benjiovo

Who job hiring $100 a second, I’m looking for a 7:00-7:05, nothing too crazy.

@MarioInAZ

I assume everybody appreciates free snacks, so when I see someone yawning I throw a piece of black licorice in their mouth.

@DadZZZasleep

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

@IPickedYouOnce

I feel mushy. Not that emotionally mushy love stuff. More like I ate too much cake in my lifetime.

@Grommit56

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.