[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
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Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas