Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
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it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
time machine? you mean a clock?
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.