Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
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Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.