Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.



Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )

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[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.


I accidentally flushed a public toilet with my hand instead of my foot. I may be dying now.


If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming


Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.


[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?


Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?


Sitting outside the dentist office eating Oreos, b/c I think everyone should earn their pay.


The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.


My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.