*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
You Might Also Like
Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler?
Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.
Mom hires magician for birthday party, Voldemort #badluckbrian
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?