Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

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Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?


When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.


If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?


*first date*
Her: im pretty into extreme sports

Me: cool me too! which ones?

Her: you know…snowboarding, skateboarding

Me: *sadly putting away beyblade* oh yeah me to me to


Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”


Whoever coined the term Downward Spiral should have made it sound a lot less fun.


Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.