Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
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no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job