Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
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Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary