Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
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[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Wait a second…
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day