I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.