“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
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i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
So the ex texted me
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.