I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.