@KentWGraham

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

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@rickolantern

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

@behindyourback

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

@thehubrispanda

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

@Mwass_

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

@AudraEqualityMc

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ??

@HenpeckedHal

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

@funnyordie

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

@dank_hitler

1. Secretly take a bunch of pictures of someone you see everyday but barely know
2. Friend request them on FB
3. Tag them in 238 photos

@suecorvette

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

@Kateness8

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in