I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
You Might Also Like
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree