I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
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What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas