No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
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Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn’t get picked in a game she was playing alone
I think the guy in front of me is trying to resolve the world’s economic issues single handedly at this ATM.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
“Nan didn’t die”
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did