@justaride

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

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@haley_copeland

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

@HereComesCunty

Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn’t get picked in a game she was playing alone

@Shock_Monster

I think the guy in front of me is trying to resolve the world’s economic issues single handedly at this ATM.

@AVenezuelan19

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

@daddydoubts

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

@inmynewskin

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

@pleatedjeans

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

@chrissyteigen

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did