I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes “on the rocks.” They don’t know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in
I accidentally ate one of my dog’s bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN’S OUTSIDE
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*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Match dot com, but for socks.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Coworker *parks Prius
Coworker 2 *locks bike up
Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!
The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine’s Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.