I accidentally ate one of my dog’s bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN’S OUTSIDE

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I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes “on the rocks.” They don’t know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in


*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.


OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl


My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever


[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*


Coworker *parks Prius

Coworker 2 *locks bike up

Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!


The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine’s Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.


Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo