I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I accidentally ate one of my dog’s bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN’S OUTSIDE
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“Don’t get any ideas.” – Worn out light bulb
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My friend David recently lost his ID. Now we just call him dav.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
me: when I was your age there was a band called Hoobastank
grandson: his mind is clearly degraded. that cannot be true. the old man is dying
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits