I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
what it’s like dating me:
These dogs look like they have good credit.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.