I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
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If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.