I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
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Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Milk Cube
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.