My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
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Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶