I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

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Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.


After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever



Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.


[approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you’re Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read


[at the vet with my cat]
cat: meow
me: i know, that’s why i brought you here


Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.


Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.


*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now


My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.