Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
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After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.
[approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you’re Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read
[at the vet with my cat]
me: i know, that’s why i brought you here
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.