HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
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It’s an epidemic…
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank