@jennifermerr

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

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@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

@Pundamentalism

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

@Lisa_Laughs_

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

@fro_vo

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

@SlabBaconBP

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

@Steven37366100

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

@Jesssicle

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

@GlennyRodge

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

@wolfpupy

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank