I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
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this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?