I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

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Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.


Signs that your wife is cheating on you:

1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude


Apparently, using a french fry and an onion ring to simulate how I wanted the rest of the evening to go wasn’t the most romantic move ever.


My mom has been trying to forward me an email since Monday June 23rd…..it’s now Friday June 27th….





It’s 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I’m still writing 2014 on my checks.


I mean at some point we’ve all tried to see if we could move an object with our mind.


My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.


Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it


[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.