I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
You Might Also Like
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Sorry Im late, I was staring at a wall for an hour thinkin about how delicious that pizza looked on Home Alone 2 when Kevin got in the limo.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
You forgot to practice
We miss you
Fine good luck flirting with french girls you monolingual crétin
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Wife: Holy shit
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs