@simoncholland

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

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@Muaythaigirlie

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

@TheHyyyype

Signs that your wife is cheating on you:

1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude

@drinksmcgee

Apparently, using a french fry and an onion ring to simulate how I wanted the rest of the evening to go wasn’t the most romantic move ever.

@DILLONFRANCIS

My mom has been trying to forward me an email since Monday June 23rd…..it’s now Friday June 27th….

still

no

email

@wwwdotben

It’s 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I’m still writing 2014 on my checks.

@ilovepie84

I mean at some point we’ve all tried to see if we could move an object with our mind.

@IamJackBoot

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

@Michael1979

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

@ThugRaccoons

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.