I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

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When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.


I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.


Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.


Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.


Him: “What’s your body count?”

Me: “For what?”

Him: “People you’ve slept with…”

Me: “Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement…”

Him: “What?”

Me: “What?”


Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?


I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.


My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!