@SteveSuckington

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

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@ilovepie84

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

@MrGeorgeWallace

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

@hobo_hands

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

@AshleyFrankly

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

@KrispyTacoBelle

Him: “What’s your body count?”

Me: “For what?”

Him: “People you’ve slept with…”

Me: “Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement…”

Him: “What?”

Me: “What?”

@perlhack

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

@Cheeseboy22

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

@JVarsityCaptain

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!