I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
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Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”