Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
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finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute!
ME: my shoe?
INSTRUCTOR: your parachute!
ME: my pair of shoes?
CORONER: where’s his shoes?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Darwin is a genius. Just realized I’m attracted to women in glasses because I’m more likely to reproduce with a woman who can’t see me well.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.