@mrjohndarby

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

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@LibyaLiberty

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

@zachreinert03

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

@animadvertguy

[Sky-diving]
INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute!
ME: my shoe?
INSTRUCTOR: your parachute!
ME: my pair of shoes?
[later]
CORONER: where’s his shoes?

@matt___nelson

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

@MichaelTrying

Darwin is a genius. Just realized I’m attracted to women in glasses because I’m more likely to reproduce with a woman who can’t see me well.

@KyleMcDowell86

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

@senderblock23

[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened

@NintenDom

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.