I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
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Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?