I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
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Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.