I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I love you to the refrigerator and back
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*