@darksidedeb

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

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@sarcasticmommy4

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

@CarolineMoss

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

@paperphotoyo

Managed to scare off my prison pen pal. Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what’s wrong with me.

@AGStr8upNinja

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

@ChicksRule

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

@ThatMummyLife

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

@favamp

If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.

@pplwtching

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

@DamienFahey

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”