At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
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America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!