I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
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[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Going to church you guys need anything
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Chicken bread
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.