I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
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CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second