Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
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watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Childbirth is so beautiful
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.