@BonaFideIntent

I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.

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@JanelSantaCruz

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

@PinkCamoTO

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

@daplusk

I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet

@ch000ch

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

@mommajessiec

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

@caseytduncan

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

@nami_knows

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

@TitansHomer

Failed biology because apparently the answer to “what is commonly found in cells?”

Isn’t “Blacks and Mexicans”

@Divergentmama

Does this mask make my face look funny?

*husband slowly backs out of the room