I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.

You Might Also Like


Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.


Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.


I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet


call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.


The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.


Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.


Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle


Failed biology because apparently the answer to “what is commonly found in cells?”

Isn’t “Blacks and Mexicans”


Does this mask make my face look funny?

*husband slowly backs out of the room