I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
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Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here