I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

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I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.


I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due


I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.


I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.


*licks stamp*
hmmm tastes weird
*mails letter*
hmmm mailbox had wings
*drives home on flying monkey*
hmmm that wasn’t a stamp


BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.


You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably


little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies


My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids