@cellapaz

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

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@Robski_Boy

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

@bossy_bootz

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

@ConanOBrien

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

@ChefChas82

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

@TimmyPumpkin

*licks stamp*
hmmm tastes weird
*mails letter*
hmmm mailbox had wings
*drives home on flying monkey*
hmmm that wasn’t a stamp

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

@thevickster_sa

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

@thombodytolove

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

@GoodnightSanity

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids