I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
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[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
when someone compliments me
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.