I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
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Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try