I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

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Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.


Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.


[God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren’t


Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.


me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?


Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn’t know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.


Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?


him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration


Computer: Prove you’re not a robot.

Me: *struggles to find all the road signs*

Computer: Maybe prove it to yourself first. I’ll wait.
*refreshes condescendingly*



My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.