Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
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Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
[God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren’t
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn’t know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Computer: Prove you’re not a robot.
Me: *struggles to find all the road signs*
Computer: Maybe prove it to yourself first. I’ll wait.
Me: SHUT UP! I CAN DO THIS!
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.