@NicCageMatch

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

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@patnspankme

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

@sarcasticmommy4

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

@Home_Halfway

[God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren’t

@Dishy2101

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

@PaperWash

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

@bush_piglet

Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn’t know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.

@GlennyRodge

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

@pilau

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

@northernlivng24

Computer: Prove you’re not a robot.

Me: *struggles to find all the road signs*

Computer: Maybe prove it to yourself first. I’ll wait.
*refreshes condescendingly*

Me: SHUT UP! I CAN DO THIS!

@copymama

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.