I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
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*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
This chloroform smells expensiv…
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
My teenage children choosing violence
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
who will stop them
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”