I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
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I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Lmao 🤣
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
True statement👍😏😁
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.