@LittleMissAngr1

I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.

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@Dustinkcouch

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

@Reverend_Scott

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

@junejuly12

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls

@UncleDuke1969

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

@shutupmikeginn

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

@SonOfCha

Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell “SURPRISE YOU’RE ERIC’S GIRLFRIEND”

@imagine_vegas

If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.