@LittleMissAngr1

I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.

@evilbart24

Me after taking a million selfies and not looking good in any of them

@DurtMcHurtt

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

@ShortSleeveSuit

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

@simoncholland

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

@wickedimproper

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

@daemonic3

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

@Marlebean

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

@generaldietz

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*