me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.
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WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell “SURPRISE YOU’RE ERIC’S GIRLFRIEND”
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.