@ThRealBallsDeep: *Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch* *winks*

@TheTimmyToes: (business meeting) *drops pen on the floor* *bends over to pick it up* *shirt comes untucked* *all the jelly beans start falling out*

@sixfootcandy: Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most. Him: No, it's because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

@moutheaters: Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos? Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

@AmishPornStar1: Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.