@Dustinkcouch
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
@LittleMissAngr1
I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.
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@Dustinkcouch
@Reverend_Scott
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
@junejuly12
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
@UncleDuke1969
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
@wickedimproper
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
@shutupmikeginn
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
@SonOfCha
Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell “SURPRISE YOU’RE ERIC’S GIRLFRIEND”
@imagine_vegas
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too
@mikeleffingwell
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
@TheBoydP
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.