“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
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Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.