@envydatropic

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

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@chudneyspears

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

@truegritrumble

COWORKER: I’m going to my friend’s lake house this weekend for a party.
ME: *lying* I also have friends.

@NoFucksWereGave

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

@texasstalkermom

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

@mommy_cusses

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

@INeed_AnAdult

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

@abbycohenwl

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

@murrman5

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

@poutycorpse

create password…

OVERRATEDLIAMNEESONMOVIE

This password is taken

REALLYOVERATEDLIAMNEESONMOVIE

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