I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

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I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.


COWORKER: I’m going to my friend’s lake house this weekend for a party.
ME: *lying* I also have friends.


My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.


How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?


So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.


It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.


Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?


[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”


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