I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
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My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Woke up against my better judgment again
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?