I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
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I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
getting groceries
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices