Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
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I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry