I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

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[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*


BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me


Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”


rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600


What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*


Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!