i baked you a cake
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
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Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
Me: Oh shit, this guy is really cute
Body: Here, have a cold sore
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!