I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

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*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*


Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.


Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying


My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.


Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.


Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess


My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.


I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That stuff’s 4 serial killers.


Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book


Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.