*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*
Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
You Might Also Like
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That stuff’s 4 serial killers.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.