I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
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Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Every work meeting this week
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”