I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
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In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
his wife is probably gonna see that
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.